Healthy vs Toxic Love
March 20, 2008
Disclaimer: The table below about love was originally taken from this site.
I’ve written about why the concept of marriage and why it’s out of date in today’s society. While Jack gave the age old excuse of children, Harindaka gave an awesome explaination, saying that it depends on the person. Right on my man, it depends on both the persons involved. Marriage is kind of like a business agreement between two people, the only problem is, no hard and fast rules of the job description is written down.
Healthy Love is different, as you can easily see from the table below. It’s easier to have a healthy love relationship when your not married, than when you are married.
I rest my case.
|Healthy Love||Unhealthy or Toxic Love|
|Development of self first.||Obsession with relationship.|
|Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.||Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)|
|Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.||Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.|
|Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth.||Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing.|
|Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)||Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.”|
|Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.||Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.|
|Embracing of each other’s individuality.||Trying to change other to own image.|
|Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.||Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.|
|Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood.||Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.|
|Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)||Fusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings.)|
|Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.||Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.|
|Ability to enjoy being alone.||Unable to endure separation; clinging.|
|Cycle of comfort and contentment.||Cycle of pain and despair.|